


High Seas & Holograms

by felineranger



Category: Pirates of the Caribbean (Movies), Red Dwarf
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-21
Updated: 2014-07-21
Packaged: 2018-02-09 19:51:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1995714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/felineranger/pseuds/felineranger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I started writing this years ago with the intention of it being a long multi-chapter thing but I never really decided where I wanted to go with it, and never really got the hang of writing Jack Sparrow, so decided to let it lie.</p>
<p>I thought I'd post it now as a little curiosity, as the result of a recent Tumblr discussion.  You can take it as it is, or you can decide how you think the rest of the story plays out yourself...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Welcome To The Caribbean

**Author's Note:**

> For VeronicaRich who loves POTC. And for Janamelie who only recently got around to watching it.
> 
> I love you guys :-)

            Dave Lister curled his toes into the warm sand and sighed contentedly, resting his head back on his arms as he listened to the sound of the ocean. Behind him he could hear Rimmer bleating about something in his most petulant nasal voice, but he decided not to let it bother him. He was going to enjoy this while he could.

            During the night the alarms had started up on Starbug, bringing them all into the cockpit just in time to see the orange-whirly-thing-in-space that was sucking them in, but typically of the alarms on Starbug – not enough time for them to avoid it. They’d had no choice but to plough on through and hope for the best. Nor were their spirits lifted much when Kryten hesitantly informed them that the planet they were now orbiting was Earth. Rimmer had voiced their concerns, “So,” he sat back in his chair and folded his arms, “Would this be an Earth where time is running backwards? Or maybe an Earth where the ants have taken over? Or perhaps an alternate reality where Hitler won the second world war and the planet is now being controlled by a race of inbred super-nazis?”

“As far as I can tell, none of the above, Sir,” Kryten replied, examining his monitor closely.

“Come on, Kryten, there’s always something. The chances of us stumbling upon an Earth that we actually want to stay on are about the same as Moggy-Brain here winning the Nobel prize.” The Cat hissed at him, but in a distracted way. He too had his reservations about this new planet.

            “What _do_ you know, Kryten?” Lister asked, before the spat could get out of hand.

“Well, according to all my read-outs, Sir, time appears to be going in the er...accustomed direction,” ‘Normal’ was a word the crew had found themselves using less and less these last few years. “History seems to be ticking along more or less as we know it, although it’s perhaps somewhat earlier than we might be familiar with.”

“How early? Are we talking dinosaurs here?” Lister asked anxiously.

“No, no, nothing as bad as that. Sometime in the 18th century I’d guess at.” The crew exchanged glances and shrugs of, ‘Meh, that doesn’t seem so bad.’

“Let’s take her down then,” Lister decided, “And we’ll have a look around.”

            It had been night when they landed, and they’d elected to wait until daylight before exploring. They’d emerged the next morning onto a deserted island somewhere in the Caribbean with no signs of civilisation...but one hell of a nice beach. It had been decided that although there wasn’t much point in them _staying_ as such, that a brief holiday might not be such a bad thing. They’d dug out their beach towels and sun lotion and made themselves at home.

            That had been a little over a week ago and Rimmer was starting to get restless. He wanted to go somewhere a little more populated, somewhere his knowledge of the future might make him rich and powerful and where there might be girls that this would impress. Lister kept putting him off. He liked it here. He liked the tranquility and the sunshine, and the twilight barbecues on the beach. The last thing he wanted was to go and join in with the pompous, poncy society of the 18th century. In fact, he’d been starting to think that he’d be quite happy staying here permanently. And then yesterday, something had happened.

            Lister had been walking back through the trees towards Starbug to get some more drinks when he’d heard singing. He’d frozen. They hadn’t explored the island, simply presumed it was uninhabited due to its remote location. He was beginning to realise this may have been foolish. The singing was coming closer. Lister was torn. He was naked apart from a pair of swimming trunks, and unarmed apart from half a coconut and a tiny umbrella on a toothpick.   And the toothpick, although sharp, was decidedly soggy. But it had been so long since he’d seen another human being…

            A tall, lean man with long hair held back by a bandana staggered through the trees and came to an inelegant stop in front of Lister. He abruptly stopped singing and they looked at each other blankly. Lister grinned sheepishly. “Hi.”

            The man stared at him for a long moment, stared at Starbug for an even longer moment, then stared at the mostly empty bottle he held clutched in his hand. “It’s happening again, isn’t it?” he slurred, “The dancing porpoises will be here at any moment.”

“Erm…I don’t think so. At least I hope not,” Lister said. “You’re not drunk. I mean,” he backtracked, taking into account the empty bottle, “You probably are drunk, but you’re not hallucinating. I’m real.”

“If you’re real then what are you doing here? Are you marooned?”

“No,” Lister said, “Just on holiday.”

“On _holiday?_ ”

“Yeah.” Lister raised the remains of his cocktail as evidence.

“How did you get here?”

“On my ship,” Lister pointed helpfully at Starbug. The man squinted disbelievingly.

“That’s a ship? What’s it doing so far inland?”

“It’s a flying ship. It landed here.” Lister was aware that he probably wasn’t helping his ‘I’m real’ argument with this statement.

            After a lot of talking and explaining and some very dramatic arm-waving, Lister managed to discover that the man’s name was Captain Jack Sparrow. He and his crew had run aground on the other side of the island a few days ago and had so far been unable to get their ship afloat again. Lister, ever helpful, volunteered the services of their ‘flying machine’ to help tow the ship back out into the waves. Captain Sparrow, although still not entirely convinced that any of this was real, accepted the offer of help because ‘At least it will kill time before the porpoises come back’ and insisted that he would reward any assistance given.

            Lister took him back to the beach to meet the rest of the crew and explain the situation. Unsurprisingly, his introductions did nothing to assuage Jack’s suspicions that all of this was a heat and rum induced fever dream (“This is Kryten, he’s a robot; this is Cat, he’s…well…a cat; and this is Rimmer, he’s dead but not so’s you’d notice…”) and it was only when he’d introduced them in turn to his equally bewildered crew and realised that they could see them too that he started to accept that just maybe he wasn’t imagining all of this.

            Despite Rimmer’s uneasy insistence that he didn’t like the looks of this bunch in the slightest, Lister was adamant that they hold up their side of the bargain and help get The Black Pearl back on the waves where she belonged. “You know,” Lister remarked to Jack later on, “I thought they’d be more scared of us, certainly of Starbug.”

“They’ve seen worse, mate,” Jack replied enigmatically.

“Didn’t you say something about a reward?” Rimmer asked pointedly.

“Don’t be such a grasping git, Rimmer,” Lister scolded, “We didn’t do this for the reward. We were being neighbourly.”

“No, no, he’s right,” Jack held up his hands, “Never let it be said that Captain Jack Sparrow does not pay his debts.”

“So what do we get?” Cat asked eagerly. Jack looked shifty suddenly.

“Would you accept an IOU?”

“Ha! What did I tell you?” Rimmer sneered.

“Look, mates, I’m a little short of the shiny stuff right at this point in time, but I can guarantee you that in a relatively short period of time, I shall be rolling in wealth that I am more than happy to share with you.”

“And where is this substantial wealth going to spring from?” Rimmer asked sceptically.

“I happen to be in possession of a closely guarded secret that will lead me and my crew to riches beyond your wildest dreams. Once we are in possession of said riches, I’ll pop round here and pay you back.”

“A likely story,” Rimmer sneered.

“Wait, wait,” Lister waved a hand at Rimmer to shush him, his eyes gleaming, “Did you say _treasure?_ ”

 

           


	2. Captain Smug-Git

            “Lister, are you sure about this?” Rimmer asked for approximately the six hundredth time.

“You wanted to get paid, didn’t you?” Lister teased him. “Besides, come on, when are we ever going to get a chance to do anything like this again?” he said, leaning over the side of the ship and letting the fine salty spray mist his face, “Where’s your sense of adventure, man? Did you never dream of being a pirate when you were a kid?”

“Certainly not. I dreamt of being an _admiral_ , Lister. Somebody _respectable_.”

“Figures,” Lister snorted, pulling himself upright.

“Look, we don’t know anything about this Jack Sparrow character!” Rimmer persisted, “How do we know he’s not dragging us off to some slave market in the middle of nowhere?”

“Somehow I don’t think that’s quite his style,” Lister remarked, “Anyway, I got talking to Will before we left and he told me that Jack’s basically a good guy.”

“Basically,” Rimmer repeated.

“Well, what he actually said was ‘He’s a liar, a cheat, a bloody scoundrel and a pirate but a good man for all of that. Just don’t believe a word he tells you.’” Lister shrugged, “I can live with that.”

            “Oh, wonderful. Marvellous,” Rimmer threw up his hands, “We’re sailing into the unknown, under the command of a man we can’t trust, on the word of a nancy pretty-boy who’s barely out of short trousers!”

“Relax, would you? I know Will’s kinda young but he seems pretty together. If he trusts Jack, then so do I.”

“Didn’t he explicitly tell you _not_ to trust Jack?” Rimmer folded his arms.

“Whatever,” Lister sighed, “Just settle down and try to enjoy yourself, will you? We’re going on a treasure hunt, for smeg’s sake. Even you’ve got to find that a little bit exciting.” He looked over at their captain, standing unsteadily at the wheel of the ship, studying his compass and he smiled.

            Because Lister _was_ excited; in a light-headed, little-boy kind of way that he hadn’t felt for years. Too many years. Lister’s had been a childhood cut short by tragedy and poverty, he’d learned early on that the world could be a cruel and dreary place. He’d rediscovered some of that lost sense of wonder exploring the universe on Red Dwarf; but since they’d been stranded on Starbug, the daily grind of trying to survive had overshadowed any element of fun in their adventures. But this was different. There might be danger ahead, but it was unknown fairy-tale danger. Pirates and sea-serpents, sword-fights and skeletons and buried treasure. Fifteen men on a dead man’s chest, drink up me hearties, yo ho! And Lister was ready for it.

            And no matter what Rimmer said, he _liked_ Jack Sparrow. Because strange as he might be, he was the embodiment of all the adventure Lister was eager for. Just like Will had told him, there was an aura about the man that made you feel like anything could happen while he was around. Absolutely anything. Lister hoped it would.

            Jack looked up and caught his eye. He gestured to Gibbs to take the wheel and swaggered over with a grin. “How’s me new shipmates? You like her?”

“Her?” Rimmer asked, perturbed.

“The Pearl,” Jack stroked the side of the ship lovingly.

“She’s a babe,” Lister grinned. Jack’s eyebrows met in confusion,

“Come again?”

“That’s what we say about attractive women where we come from,” Lister explained, “It’s a compliment. She’s a good ship.”

“The best, mate,” Jack corrected. A smile lit up his face, “Babe. I like that. A real babe,” he laughed.

“And where exactly is this _babe_ headed?” Rimmer asked sourly.

Jack tapped his nose, “All in good time, Mister Rimmer, all in good time. Have faith and I shall not lead you astray.” Rimmer’s expression did not show huge amounts of faith. Jack turned to Lister, “And what about you, Davey? You having doubts about our mission? Wondering if you were right to trust Old Jack?” His eyes twinkled mischieviously. Lister couldn’t help the smile that tipped up the corners of his mouth as he looked into those eyes. He met Jack’s stare head-on. “Only a fool would trust a pirate, Captain Sparrow,” he replied, “Especially one as good as you.”

            “A most astute and perceptive pronouncement,” Jack responded gravely, rocking back on his heels, “I see that you are a wise and shrewd man, David Lister, and a fine judge of character to boot,” He smugly adjusted his hat.

“Absolutely,” Rimmer sniped, “With his razor-sharp intelligence and your clear-headed sobriety you should make a simply magnificent team. We’ll have found this treasure within _hours_ I imagine.” Jack cast him a disdainful look, then whirled back to face Lister,

“Tell me,” he said brightly, “Your friend’s not a eunuch, is he? He has that slightly _pinched_ look about him.” Rimmer glowered poisonously but Lister grinned,

“Y’know it’s funny you should mention that...”

“Shut up, Lister!”

“Ah, I thought so!” Jack exclaimed, “You come to know the look after a while. I seem to pick them up,” he jerked his head none too subtly towards Will. Rimmer stomped away in a huff.

            “Now, Davey,” Jack put his arm around Lister’s shoulders and walked a little way with him along the deck, “You seem like a decent sort of bloke and not the kind to refuse a genuine and heartfelt request from a friend, and if I’m to be truthful there’s a little something I’ve been meaning to ask you ever since you came aboard. Would you be kind enough to grant me a boon, as it were?”

“Depends what it is,” Lister said warily, folding his arms.

Jack cast a furtive look around them before leaning in close to whisper, “Can I try on your leather jacket?”

Lister grinned, “Only if I can try on your hat,” he whispered back.

 

 

*                                  *                                  *                                  *

 

 

            Rimmer emerged from his sulk below deck an hour or so later. He’d spent the time complaining to Kryten who, as he wasn’t waterproof, was forced to stay in the galley helping the cook. He had been fairly happy in this task until Rimmer had come down. After half an hour of listening to the hologram complain, he had started to wonder whether it wouldn’t be pleasant to go up onto the deck after all, and maybe take a swim as well. He’d suggested as tactfully as he could that perhaps Rimmer should be telling Lister all this, and preferably somewhere that wasn’t right here.

            Freshly annoyed at having been dismissed by the mechanoid, Rimmer scanned the deck for Lister, already preparing a rant of some length in his head. He was disturbed to find that he couldn’t see Lister anywhere, and forgot momentarily about his speech. A closer inspection revealed his quarry sitting cross-legged up by the prow, with his back to Rimmer and wearing a change of clothes. He was apparently deep in conversation with Sparrow, who Rimmer now noticed seemed to have pinched Lister’s jacket. He went over to investigate.

            Jack was concentrating on applying Lister’s eyeliner for him, “Look upwards. That’s right. Perfect. Proper pirate-like,” he sat back with satisfaction. They looked up as a shadow fell over them. Rimmer stood there, arms folded. “What is this? I thought this was a pirate ship, not a smegging girly sleepover!” Lister looked up at him with a smile, “Just getting into the spirit of things. Jack gave me some of his old clothes, look!” Lister got to his feet and gave Rimmer a twirl, “Whaddaya think, man?” Rimmer looked him up and down. He took in the long, flowing cotton shirt; it had been made for Jack’s tall, slim form and was way too long in the sleeves for Lister. The oversized cuffs fell down over his hands and the neckline left most of Lister’s collar and upper chest bare. He looked at the wide leather belt cinching in his waist, an old and most probably blunt sword slung at his side. He looked at the broad hat and the dark kohl-rimmed eyes that glinted beneath its shadow. Rimmer swallowed hard. Lister looked...

”You look like a total goit,” he spat out.

            Lister shrugged off the insult. “Hey, if you think this is outrageous you should see the Cat. He found Commodore Norrington’s old dress uniform in the same trunk. He looks like he’s got the starring role in a Gilbert and Sullivan musical.”

Rimmer rolled his eyes, “And what exactly was the Commodore’s dress uniform doing in a trunk in Captain Sparrow’s cabin?” Jack flashed his most charming smile.

“He must have taken it off,” he replied sweetly. Lister tittered and Rimmer bristled uncomfortably. What side exactly was this Sparrow batting for? One minute he was purring about the women in Tortuga, next thing he was treating Lister like a smegging Girls World dolly and insinuating....well, just insinuating.

            Come on,” Lister put a hand on his arm, “If you feel left out we can find you a costume too. There’s some stuff left in the trunk.” Rimmer shrugged him off sharply,

“Thank you, Lister, but I’m not ready to join the gay pride parade just yet.”

“Don’t be so stupid. You must be baking in that quilted jacket. I know you feel the heat when you’re hard-light. And you might as well fit in with the rest of us; you stick out like a sore thumb in that get-up.”

“Captain Sparrow seems comfortable enough in your leather jacket,” Rimmer sniped.

“Why shouldn’t he? It suits him.”

“Quite,” Jack declared promptly, “I’m willing to suffer a little in order to look my best,” he preened, “When I look good it inspires the men. That’s what makes a good captain, mate. Inspiration,” he waved a knowing finger at Rimmer, then seemed to remember something and fished out his compass. He stared at it closely for a moment and frowned. “That, and knowing when you’re going in the right direction, savvy? Mr Gibbs!” he yelled up, “Take her fifty-two degrees starboard!”

“Aye, captain!”

“There,” Jack smiled and swaggered off. “Incidentally,” he added as he passed Rimmer, “You might like to spend some time getting to know young William over there. I feel the two of you would have a lot in common,” He glanced briefly at Rimmer’s crotch and grinned, “Savvy?” He swept over to Gibbs at the wheel, leaving Lister laughing and Rimmer fuming.

He had a bad feeling about this adventure.  And a very bad feeling about Captain Smug-Git Jack Sparrow.

 

 


End file.
